What Are We Really Talking About?
These two phrases get thrown around a lot these days. Sometimes with clarity. Sometimes with accusation. Sometimes just to shut a conversation down. But what do they actually mean? And more importantly; how do they show up in real life?
Or… are they both a bit of a myth? Labels for behaviours that are really just unhealthy in individuals, rather than something we can broadly attribute to all men or all women? I want to talk about this from a place of curiosity, not blame. These terms are often misunderstood, misused, and far too easily weaponised.
And just to be clear; this is not about all men or all women. That’s an important distinction, and one I always want to make.
Let’s start here: masculinity and femininity aren’t toxic in themselves.
They’re not wrong, bad, or outdated. I think we need both. We are both – in different ways, in different moments, in different doses.
But when either energy becomes distorted, disconnected from empathy, responsibility, or awareness – that is when we slide into toxic territory.
So, what is toxic masculinity?
The term originated in the 1980s, through the mythopoetic men’s movement. It was intended to distinguish unhealthy masculine behaviours from deeper, more grounded masculinity – not to attack men or manhood itself.
Toxic masculinity shows up as a narrow, rigid version of what a “real man” is supposed to be:
- Emotionally shut down
- Always in control
- Aggressive or dominant
- Always strong, never soft
- Avoiding vulnerability at all costs
It’s the voice that says:
Don’t cry
Don’t ask for help
Man up
Grow a pair
Keep it together
Many of the men I work with have sadly been shaped by these messages even if they didn’t realise it. They’ve learned to shut down, stay silent, and push through. And honestly? That gets lonely. Really lonely. It leads to disconnection. Sometimes even despair.
What’s the impact?
- Mental health suffers: higher rates of depression, anxiety, and substance use.
- Physical health declines: many men avoid seeking help or talking about symptoms, sometimes until it’s too late.
And this pressure often starts young, long before boys even know how to name what they’re feeling.
And what about toxic femininity?
This one gets talked about less. Sometimes avoided altogether. But it exists. Toxic femininity isn’t about being kind, soft, intuitive, or nurturing – those are beautiful things. It’s about what happens when those qualities are distorted or used manipulatively.
It can show up as:
- Emotional manipulation
- Passive-aggressive behaviour
- Victim-playing to avoid accountability
- Using affection or withdrawal as control
- Social exclusion or gossip as punishment
It can also look like:
- Judging other women for their choices
- Performing vulnerability instead of embodying it
- Downplaying one’s intelligence or ambition to appear more “likeable”
This isn’t about attacking women (I love my sisterhood!) Much of this behaviour comes from conditioning; the messages many women receive about being pleasing, staying small, and never rocking the boat. Just like with men, these patterns aren’t always conscious. But they are harmful.
Here’s what I believe:
Both patterns cause damage.
And both come from pain.
- Toxic masculinity often stems from shame or fear of being seen as weak.
- Toxic femininity can stem from insecurity, fear of abandonment, or inherited survival strategies.
These aren’t just personal flaws. They’re learned, inherited, and often left unexamined.
Why do we need to talk about this?
Because I work with men who are genuinely trying. Men who want to show up differently; in relationships, in fatherhood, in life – but who feel stuck, confused, or blamed. Some feel like they’re always the bad guy. Like they’re walking on eggshells, afraid to say the wrong thing or set a boundary in case it’s labelled as controlling. Some of them have also realised; Their own behaviour hasn’t been healthy either!
And it’s not getting them anywhere in life.
And yes, sometimes, they’ve experienced toxic behaviour in return.
- They’ve been shut down
- Manipulated
- Gaslit
- Dismissed
But they’re not always sure if they’re “allowed” to say that. They don’t want to seem bitter. Or anti-women. Or… weak.
So let me say this; You are allowed to talk about what hurt you. You are allowed to want something better.
So what does healthy look like?
- Mutual respect
- Emotional honesty
- Boundaries that are clear and kind
- Accountability without shame
- Two people trying to understand, not trying to win
Final Thought
If you’ve felt shut down by one version of masculinity, or hurt by one version of femininity, you’re definitely not alone. We’re all navigating a shift in gender roles, relationships, expectations. It’s messy. It’s confusing. And it’s completely valid to feel lost in the middle of it. But we don’t have to stay stuck. We don’t have to perform. We don’t have to protect or prove. There’s another way; It starts with conversation. With reflection. With connection.
If something here resonates, and you want to explore it…
Let’s start the conversation.